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Time to go inside the FBI’s secret documents vault

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Declassified has been doing some thinking over the summer and come to a major decision: It’s time for a career change and a move away from thinking of rude nicknames for Nigel Farage and into something more rewarding, such as working for the FBI.

To be clear, that’s not catching bad guys or anything dangerous involving guns but rather working in the vaults containing the secret documents full of juicy details.

We’ve had two tantalizing glimpses into this world in the past few days. First, it was revealed by Rolling Stone that Donald Trump for years bragged to close associates that he knew illicit details about French President Emmanuel Macron’s sex life, gleaned from “intelligence” briefings. The issue is back in the spotlight in the wake of the FBI’s raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, during which authorities seized sensitive documents, including one titled “info re: President of France.”

We’ve no idea (because we don’t work in the FBI’s vaults — yet) if there are any actual details in the documents of what Macron likes to get up to in bed (my guess is putting together spreadsheets) because, and I realize this may shock some of you, Trump is a compulsive liar who loves to smear people he doesn’t like — and also people he does like.

It is, however, easy to imagine Trump laughing hysterically at Macron’s bedroom proclivities over a cheeseburger dinner before going to bed on his own because Melania lives in a different state.

Also from the ‘what goes on at the FBI?’ files this week was the bureau being sued by the sole surviving member of The Monkees, as he seeks access to the agency’s files on the band in the 1960s.

An FBI file released to the public in 2011 revealed that at least one FBI informant attended a 1967 Monkees (or “Monkeys” as it was written by a hapless agent) concert in Los Angeles — it called them “four young men who dress as beatnik types” — and now Mickey Dolenz has filed a lawsuit in order to see other FBI records collected on the group.

It’s time to find out who else the FBI is investigating. Sanna Marin for sure after she had the temerity to, er, dance and took a drugs test; Liz Truss, as they try and found out how on earth she actually got within touching distance of becoming British prime minister; and Olaf Scholz for … well we can’t think of anything he’s actually done but he does have an important job.

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Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque

Last time we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“There are some men at the Mar-a-Lago front gate from the Federal Blockage Investigation that want to inspect your toilets,” by Mike Oehlers.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.

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