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7 alternative caretaker British prime ministers

Paul Dallison writes Declassified, a weekly satirical column.

Boris Johnson is toast. Finished. Done for.

But despite resigning, and befitting of a man who thinks ‘dignity’ is a small inflatable boat, Johnson said he intends to serve until a new leader is in place, with a timetable for a leadership race to be announced next week.

There have to be better caretaker leaders while the Tories get their house in order. Here are some options:

Peppa Pig

ABD Ltd/Ent. One UK Ltd

Pros:

  • Very popular abroad.
  • Knows the queen.
  • Has experience running a successful business — Peppa Pig World.
  • Not afraid of getting involved in arguments with public figures (see her Twitter trolling of Kanye West after “Peppa’s Adventures: The Album” got a better online review than the rapper’s latest, “Donda”).

Cons:

  • Peppa Pig World was heavily praised by the toxic Johnson during a rambling speech to business leaders in late 2021 (he described the theme park as “my kind of place”).
  • Strong likelihood of nepotism, with Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig and George Pig all in line for senior Cabinet positions.
  • Potential bacon ban.

Theresa May

Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

Pros:

  • Would be funny.
  • Compared to Johnson, has a remarkably high approval rating among Conservative MPs.
  • Armed and dangerous, as she still has a knife in her back put there by Johnson.

Cons:

  • Wasn’t very good as actual prime minister.
  • She might dance to Abba.
  • Backlash from food industry as she once served the weird combination of chicken lasagne and boiled potatoes to her election strategists.

Maroš Šefčovič

John Thys/AFP via Getty Images

Pros:

  • Has great experience dealing with British trade issues.
  • Good relations with the EU.

Cons:

  • Has a name that Brits won’t even bother to try and pronounce properly.
  • Once ran for Slovak presidency and no one voted for him.
  • Not massively popular with the Unionist community in Northern Ireland.

Prince Andrew

Pool photo by Chris Jackson/AFP via Getty Images

Pros:

  • Less toxic than Johnson.
  • Available for work immediately.
  • Has good relations with the queen.
  • Strong advocate of the pizza industry.

Cons:

Jack Nicholson

Warner Bros Inc.

Pros:

  • Has experience in the caretaker role after playing Jack Torrance in “The Shining.”

Cons:

Henry Hoover

Emilia Murray via Flickr/Creative Commons 2.0

Pros:

  • There is now a power vacuum at the top of British politics, so why not have an actual vacuum!
  • British-made.
  • Won’t suck as much as Johnson did.

Cons:

  • Was once seen hanging around in Johnson’s gaudy, ridiculously expensive new media briefing room.

Meghan Markle

Pool photo by Daniel Leal via Getty Images

Pros:

  • Enjoys the limelight.
  • Good connections to (some) royals.

Cons:

  • More unpopular with the right-wing British media than Johnson, COVID lockdowns and Jack the Ripper combined.

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